Missing Her

Even though I haven’t talked to her on the phone for nine weeks tonight, I still miss talking to her so much.  I know I complained about how loud I had to talk or how many times she just couldn’t understand what I was saying, but I miss our talks.  I miss hearing about her day, what she ate, who visited and how she was feeling.  I’m missing our talks so much more than I did over the first seven weeks because for the last week and a half, I’ve known there would be no more phone calls.  I wish I remembered what exactly we talked about that last night.  I remember discussing the chocolate icing for Aunt Loverta’s cake, but really that’s it.  I’m sure I said “I love you” because I always did, but I wish I could pick up the phone and tell her one more time.

My Tribute

My sweet Grams went home to our Lord in Heaven Wednesday afternoon.  She lived a long, full life and left a legacy that will not be soon forgotten.  I am so grateful for the 23 1/2 years I was blessed to have her on Earth.  Now I have another guardian angel and she’s able to finally tell Daddy’s parents what it was like to be my Grandmother.

I didn’t get the opportunity to have two sets of Grandparents on Earth, so I was blessed with the very best set of Grandparents a girl could wish for.  From six weeks of age, I stayed with Grams almost every day while Mom and Dad worked.  Grandaddy came home to visit at lunch time, but most of the days were Grams and Katie time.  I even had a crib in Gram’s basement so she could sew while watching me.  I spent so much time in that basement as a child.  She would sew and I would visit with everyone who came for alterations while also watching tv and laying on the deep freeze (something Mom and her sister were never allowed to do as children—what Granddaughters get away with!).

No offense to Mom, but I feel like almost everything I know about cooking is because of Grams.  I can’t remember a time that I didn’t know how to make toast or scrambled eggs.  We made cheese straws together and I remember how proud I was of my first pound cake made from Gram’s recipe.  We made caramel cake together and Aunt Loverta’s chocolate icing.  She taught me how to make my favorite chicken with white sauce and her “rounds” and sometimes there’s nothing I want more than her version of boxed macaroni and cheese.  She would fry me an entire pound of bacon, but would make me eat bread or crackers so I wasn’t just eating bacon for a meal.  I never quite mastered fried chicken like hers.  Something about my breading just isn’t right.  I guess practice will have to make perfect.

I can’t sew that well, but thankfully, Mom can, so some of Gram’s skills will hopefully still be passed on to me.  I want to learn to make simple valances for my new home (once I pick it out) and I need to learn to hem my own pants.  Unfortunately, I never learned to crochet.  I think that particular skill passed on with Grams.  I don’t think I would have had the patience anyway.

Grams took me to school and picked me up every day (except Daddy’s Grandmother’s two days a week to bring me home in the afternoon) from Kindergarten to 5th grade.  I could always count on the “purple” Park Avenue being there waiting for me in the afternoons. 

Grams could grow practically anything imaginable.  Over the past few days, the plants and flowers around town have been much more apparent to me.  I think Grams is making them a little prettier than usual to tell me she’s ok.  I’m hoping to get a few cuttings of her plants one day and to try to continue her legacy.

Grams and Grandaddy were married for 65 years.  That alone is a remarkable achievement.  I know marriage is difficult, but they were able to make it work.  I said many times that there is nothing cuter than an old couple who still love each other.  Grandaddy looked so precious when he would kiss Grams and she lit up at the sight of him.  I hope I am blessed with the kind of love they shared (and I believe continue to share—death is not an end to love).

My Grams was a remarkable person—not perfect—but a loving, God-fearing woman.  I have no doubts about where she is because the Bible tells us that those who love the Lord, accept him, and ask him into their heart will be rewarded with Eternal Life.  That knowledge helps me to get up each day and put one foot in front of the other.

I love you Grams…until then…

Faith

There are times when I’m unwavering in my faith, but also times when I’m not so sure…I don’t understand why God lets people suffer when they are so ready to come home to Him for eternity.  I have to trust that there is a reason for everything He does.  It’s sometimes easier to say that than to believe it.

Grams is not doing well at all.  Apparently, some strokes can bring on dementia.  Basically, her body is still living and breathing and suffering, but I believe her soul has moved on.  The person who remains is not the Grams I love so much.  We lost her seven weeks ago tonight/tomorrow.  I want to mourn her, but it seems so weird to mourn a living person.

She’s coming home Tuesday to spend her final days in familiar surroundings in hopes that she will find some comfort and peace.  We don’t know how long we have left with her earthly body, but we are going to do everything to make her comfortable and to provide even a tiny bit of quality of life.

Why, God, do you allow people who so want to come home to you to linger?  Why don’t you open your arms to her and say to her, “Well done, my good and faithful servant?”

I miss her so much already.  I miss our phone calls every night.  I miss just hearing her voice.  I even miss yelling at her to get her to hear me.

I love you Grams.  Thank you for loving me and taking care of me all my life.  I KNOW I will see you again.  I won’t say goodbye, so instead I will say… until then.

Weekend Recap

Well, this weekend has been pretty uneventful…most would say boring.  I have slept a good bit and hopefully I’m recharged so I can hit the ground running for another week in busy season!

I left work around 6:30 (I think) Friday because I developed this painful rash on the back of one of my legs.  I really needed Benadryl, but I couldn’t take it at work and risk being too sleepy to drive home safely.  I grabbed dinner on the way home and shortly after eating I was passed out cold on the sofa.  I woke up around 11 and moved to the bedroom…fun night, huh?

I got to work Saturday morning around 7:45.  I really planned on being there earlier, but it wasn’t meant to be.  I was so sleepy when my alarm went off that I pressed snooze a few too many times.  I am slowly learning that I’m better off getting up when I wake up even if it’s an hour before my alarm is set to go off.  I couldn’t manage to drag myself out of bed at 4:30AM, but I think I would have had a more productive day overall had I gotten up and gone in to work earlier.  I worked until around 3, but I didn’t get as much as I wanted to accomplished. 

It started to rain shortly before I left work.  It wasn’t that hard, but it was enough that I didn’t want to go to the grocery anymore.  It doesn’t seem like I ever get good parking at any of the grocery stores and I just knew that the bottom would fall out right about when I was ready to leave the store.  Instead, I decided to challenge myself to not spend any more money for the rest of the weekend and to clean out my refrigerator/freezer in the process.   So far, I’ve succeeded in my challenge.  One more meal to go and I’ll have made it! :)

I’m also doing a little cleaning of my apartment.  Right now, I’ve got three more loads of laundry to go in addition to the one currently in the washer.  I guess it’s pretty obvious that I put off laundry until the absolute last minute.  I also need to run the dishwasher, but I can’t do that at the same time as washing clothes…there wouldn’t be enough water pressure, right?  Finally, I’m planning on cleaning my bathroom and cleaning up the kitchen from my cooking adventures this weekend.  I doubt all of this will actually get done, but making a list and a plan somehow makes me feel accomplished.

We’ve got three weeks left until the end of busy season.  I can’t adequately express how much I’m looking forward to working normal hours and not working weekends.

Maybe I can find something more interesting to write about before my next post…

ABCs

I have seen lots of posts like this one, but I finally decided to do it after seeing Lisa’s answers over at Diary of a Newlywed. Hope she doesn’t mind me linking to her blog…it’s a first for me to try to do that! :)

A. Age: 23

B. Bed size:  Full…soon to be Queen

C. Chore you dislike: Cleaning my George Foreman grill pans.

D. Dogs: Yes!  Sweet Emma…can’t wait for her to come back to live with me after April 18th!

E. Essential start to your day: On a work day, getting straight in the shower

F. Favorite color: Antique/Wedgewood Blue

G. Gold or silver: Both plus platinum!  I’ll take anything I can get! :)

H. Height: 5'8

I. Instruments you play(ed): Played the flute in from 6th-9th grade.  Took piano lessons in 4th and 5th grades…I think that’s all.  I can still play a little piano if I try hard enough.  I prefer to think of my voice as my instrument though.

J. Job title: Certified Public Accountant (Well, I passed the test, but don’t have the experience requirement yet)

K. Kids: One day…

L. Live: Nashville, TN

M. Mom’s name: Jane, Mama, Mimi

N. Nicknames: Kate, Little Buddy, Booster Baby

O. Overnight hospital stays: More nights than I can remember…bad memories

P. Pet peeves: People taking the Lord’s name in vain

Q. Quote from a movie: “My name is Andrew Shepherd, and I *am* the President.”-The American President.  This quote, and the speech that goes along with it, never fails to give me chills despite how many times I’ve watched the movie.  It reminds me of speeches of President Reagan’s that I’ve listened to.  I long for a president that can inspire me with “his” or “her” words and actually follow through with promises.  Michael Douglas for President!…haha, not really! :)

R. Righty or lefty: Righty

S. Siblings: Only!

T. Time you wake up:  Alarm goes off at 5:30, I’ve been snoozing until 5:45 lately.

U. Underwear: Of course!

V. Vegetables you don’t like: Let’s list those that I like…potatoes, black eyed peas…

W. What makes you run late: Packing my lunch for work

X. X-rays you’ve had: Chest, Ankle, Wrist, Knee, Teeth

Y. Yummy food you make: Hmm…I make lots of good chicken dishes…I also really like to bake…I made a Dobish Torte for Dad’s birthday two years ago.  I think that’s the most challenging thing I’ve ever attempted and it was quite good! :)

Z. Zoo animal favorites: Dunno…

Difficult Times

*Disclaimer:  This will be long and deep.  If you are grieving, this might not be the post for you.  This is one of my few outlets and I discuss my faith, my God and my family’s current struggles.  Please feel free to skip this one if you wish.*

Our family has had a very difficult week and a very emotional weekend.  I’ve cried several times today and I don’t think it would take much to set off another episode of big crocodile tears.

My Grandmother is suffering now.  Her quality of life is non-existent.  I barely recognize her as the person I love so much.  I think only part of her survived the stroke and the most important part, the part that truly made her herself has already gone on to eternal glory.

I’ve felt pulled to my Bible this afternoon and evening.  I need reassurance that there is a reason why she (and we) are going through such trying times and enduring such suffering.  I find myself thinking that she would have been better off had she never woken up even though those thoughts make me feel very guilty.  I know that the Lord only takes people once their purpose on Earth has been completely fulfilled, so there must be more left for her.  God wouldn’t allow such suffering without a purpose.  This all has to be for His Glory. 

This weekend, my prayers have changed from recovery to letting her go to end her suffering.  If she can’t get better (and we are continually told how bad her stroke was), eternal Glory with the Father is far better than Earthly suffering.  I have no doubt that I will see her again because I know she loves the Lord.  I can take comfort that I will see her again when it is my time to enter the gates of Heaven. As much as I don’t want to say goodbye to her on Earth, I will rejoice that she will be spending eternity in paradise and will be helping to prepare a place for me when my time comes.

Ok, the tears have started again…

I needed someone to talk to tonight, so I called one of the kindest, most compassionate people I know: our former minister’s wife and a dear, dear friend.  I don’t really fell “better” because I don’t think anything about this situation can be made better, but I was able to get some of the reassurance I so crave and just have someone to talk to.  Some things are easier to say to someone a little removed from the situation. 

Three verses that are bringing me some comfort now…from my Wesley Study Bible, the NRSV…

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled. and do not let them be afraid.  You heard me say to you, ‘I am going away and I am coming to you.’  If you loved me, you would rejoice that I am going to the Father, because the Father is greater than I.”

John 14:27-28

“Do not let your hearts be troubled.  Believe in God, believe also in me.  In my Father’s house there are many dwelling places.  If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you?  And if I go to prepare a place for you, I will come again and take you to myself, so that where I am, there you may be also.”

John 14:1-3

Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life.  No one comes to the Father except through me.  If you know me, you will know my Father also.  From now on you do know him and have seen him.”

John 14:6-7

I feel like I should end this with the traditional call and response from the United Methodist Church after scripture is read.  The minister says, “The Word of The Lord” and the congregation responds, “Thanks be to God”.  “Thanks be to God” indeed.  I give thanks for the life of my Grams and for the eternal life that all who believe are guaranteed. 

Quick Update

I started a long and emotional post last night, but I decided to hold off on posting that—maybe indefinitely.  To make a long story short, about three weeks ago, Grams had two very serious strokes.  She spent about 2.5 weeks between ICU and the regular hospital floor.  She’s now at a Rehabilitation facility and we don’t really know what the end prognosis will be yet.  It’s been a really emotional time and I really just want to be at home with my family even though there’s not much I could do at this point.

On the work front, we’re all working 60-65 or more hours a week trying to get out tax returns.  It’s much harder than I thought to work six days a week.  I’m grateful that, although we worked long hours during the week, I only worked two weekends during my internship.  Having that second day to rest and recover really makes a difference.  Only five more Saturdays to go…

I’m looking more and more seriously at houses and townhouses.  I haven’t allowed myself to go to any open houses yet, but as soon as April 18th comes around, I’m going to interview realtors and start looking.  I really don’t feel like it will take me a long time to make a decision, but I could be surprised.  I really want a house, but I can understand why Daddy wants me to get a townhome.  I just feel like a house is a better fit for me and I can likely get lawn maintenance done for less money than the HOA fees will be.  I guess it all really depends on what the HOA fees cover and how restrictive the associations are.  I don’t want to live at another place that will refuse to let me have my grill.  The George Foreman is getting old and I really want my grill back.  Actually, I think Mom and Dad promised to get me a new one since they got rid of theirs and are using mine and it was a birthday gift and all! :)

I haven’t gotten anything accomplished this weekend, save my tax return.  I’m missing one document and I have to wait for my Dad to do his return to finalize mine, but at least I know things aren’t nearly as dire as I feared.  I am about to get started on the mountain of laundry in my closet.  If I don’t, I might not be able to go to work next week.  I don’t think “lack of appropriate clean clothing” would be a good excuse in anyone’s eyes. :)

Once again, I promise to try to take some pictures and post them soon.  I haven’t done anything camera-worthy in so long and I haven’t had much time with Emma lately with everything going on at home.  I’m hoping my tulips will be blooming for Easter, so I might be able to get some pictures of Emma and my special tulips.  Grams keeps saying they won’t come up for another year, but she’s always surprised.  I’d love to take one to her and see if she remembers all the trouble we got into trying to dig the bulbs up.  They aren’t just a connection to Aunt Nancy, but also a connection to Grams the way she used to be.  Maybe they can be a bridge to that person again? 

Some of the infamous tulips, several years ago…oh the memories!