One Year Later

It hit me earlier that my journey back to health started one year ago this past Wednesday. I took a little trip down memory lane...

I remember terrible pain and more fear than I've ever felt before.

I remember feeling like I had ruined my life and that things would never be the same.

I remember that horrible day in recovery where I was "blind" (no glasses or contacts), crying behind a curtain as I'm pretty sure the patients on either side of me died. I was completely unprepared for waking up scared and alone and remaining that way for hours. Anesthesia can do some crazy things to your mind and emotions. That experience is one I hope never to repeat.

I remember Daddy coming in after closing on my house for me. I have no memory of signing the limited Power of Attorney and I was pretty sure at the time I'd never go back to Nashville or to work.

I remember finally being discharged and being fine for a night until I was uncontrollably sick again. I couldn't leave the bed without vomiting for three days. I thought I was dying for sure then. Little did I know that I was going through morphine withdrawal.

I remember being exhausted from the least amount of exertion. I didn't do anything that I enjoyed. I didn't cook, I didn't shop and I didn't sing when I came home to Florence. I went through the motions of life, but I wasn't living.

Now, I'm so grateful that I can do almost anything I want. I have a few limitations, but I can do so much more than a year ago. I can cook a full meal for my family, I can shop for hours and I can sing out without being lightheaded.

I was very stupid for a long time and ignored things that shouldn't have been ignored because I was embarrassed. I'm still embarrassed, but I've learned that it's okay to let some people in. Certainly not everyone, but I can't completely internalize everything anymore as the stress was killing me.

I'm so grateful for the people in my life that I've been able to open up to and that serve as my sounding board and talk me down when I panic.

Chronic disease is scary, but I'm no longer completely alone on this journey. For that, among other things, I am so grateful.